I wish my penis had an off switch
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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