Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
