dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
