1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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