I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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