she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
