How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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