the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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