So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
