If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
