On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
