I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
