____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
