I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
