I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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