I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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