u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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