I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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