You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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