whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
