So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
