My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
