I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
