The maid of honor just puked.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
