how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
