this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
