So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You dont lie about slip and slides
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize