I just made out with a guy for $7.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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