i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
