i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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