1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize