i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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