I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize