We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
