I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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