He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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