I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
