Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
