NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
