why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
