Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize