just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
