Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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