I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize