my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
