I accidentally had phone sex last night
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
