I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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