So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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