I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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