At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
