Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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