you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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