I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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