WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
