our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
