last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
