What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
