Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
