My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
