I am puke
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
