She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
