I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
