I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we're making bets on your personal life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
