he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
